I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
