what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize