So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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