omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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