Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
