My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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