I didn't shave. On purpose
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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