I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
