When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
