I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
