genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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