Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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