I want to make a zoo with you.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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