Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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