Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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