I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
