my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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