I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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