i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
