when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
