i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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