the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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