i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
