so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
