i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
