You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
