2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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