When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
pop tarts are not kleenex
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
