feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
