Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
