my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
There's even glitter on my cock...
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