is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
