I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Randomize
