The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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