my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just high enough for therapy.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
