is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
