I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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