So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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