i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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