We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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