Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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