so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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