Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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