I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
