What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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