i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
