Moan for me like Helen Keller
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
