I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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