I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
