I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
