I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
