I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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