I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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