I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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