my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
