I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
