I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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