I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
