Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
